Breathing

I had a conversation tonight that had to be had but afterwards I was in what seemed like a never ending shock. One of tears, heartache and a sense of being lost forever. It's as if after the conversation I forgot how to take breaths in and out, how to walk without shaking, how to speak without choking up, and how to live.
I've never been a planner but since I've been in college more of my personality has developed into the planning type-you have to in college. I plan according to God's will or at least I try. This was not in my plan. Not to marry the one I love, not to have children with him, not to grow old with him, was not in my plan- still isn't. I am at peace with the call God has put in my life; the call that will take me many different places and to different jobs. I am not at peace right now with the decisions in this conversation, it was not in my plan. I know it sounds like I'm being selfish and not listening to God, I know.
I needed to hear what the conversation said, I thought that maybe if I did I would stop thinking about him all of the time, that maybe I could refocus my eyes and my heart to something greater. It's only been a couple of hours, hours of crying, talking, listening, and taking in small breaths.
It hurts and I don't really want to do this heart break thing again, I just want to sit in my room and sleep and stare at the wall and hope for something. Aimee won't let me do that. She has already made it clear.
I can't breathe.