Love and moving

What's better to live knowing that the one you love has stopped loving you? Or to know that he died and hopefully his love for you keeps living? I struggle with this question daily. My biggest struggle in my life right now is letting go of love. Learning how to let go. Let go of not being in control of what I think is God's plan for my life.
After watching several apon several movies regarding love (though what movies these days don't have even a hint of love in them?), crying histaricly (I've never been the crier during movies, not even Titantic!!) and wishing he would just realize what he has lost, and the whole situation would cease to exist.
I am tired of telling people about it. It's time for me to get up move on. Turn off the movies...but I do love this one...quit crying on my cousins couch and move on. Pick up my life and make something great and do what God desires. It's the only thing that's been holding me back for two and a half months.

I'm getting up, going, becoming something that God desires. Not being afraid.

Now I need the courage and strength, pray that I can do it. I need your prayers. I haven't cried in weeks and to myself typing this I sound sad and pathetic though you know it's great for realizations and definitely just a larger and more in depth reflection of my prayer request at communitas tonight.

Thank you for the great community. Thank you Lord for life.

Time to grasp it.

television

I think I know why I have a problem sitting around vegging and watching tv for very long. When I was younger and during high school when I would have panic attacks I would sit and veg (sp?) in front of the tv for hours upon hours. Sit mindlessly and let the minutes, hours and day(s) pass me by. Simply as that. Sit and be involved in someone else's problems, someone else's heartache, someone else's life; bottom line: not my own.
Now, after I can't stand to watch tv for too long. Unless, I'm sick or depressed. Even then, I have trouble not falling back on texting or calling to make plans.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not running from my problems. I don't know if that makes sense to connect to this, but I can see how one might catch that line of thinking. I am trying to run from what I associate with sitting and watching tv all day.
Funny that I don't associate it with pure laziness or social awkwardness, mainly panic attacks instead - in my own life that is.
I find that I can think and sort through stuff best when either showering or running. Strange how that works.
On that note, time to sleep and hopefully dream well.

No Sleep

I heard a good quote last night/this morning...while I was staying up because my sleeping schedule is off.
Your love life is what you make it.
I don't love my love life. I need to transform it.

Also, in class we were talking about Wesley and the poor, whats new...compassionate ministries, it's what I love and signed up for. Anyways Dr. Maddix today quoted a phrase that Wesley used heavily, "Join hands with god to help a poor man live."
I like that.
Time to not fall asleep in class.

Breathing

I had a conversation tonight that had to be had but afterwards I was in what seemed like a never ending shock. One of tears, heartache and a sense of being lost forever. It's as if after the conversation I forgot how to take breaths in and out, how to walk without shaking, how to speak without choking up, and how to live.
I've never been a planner but since I've been in college more of my personality has developed into the planning type-you have to in college. I plan according to God's will or at least I try. This was not in my plan. Not to marry the one I love, not to have children with him, not to grow old with him, was not in my plan- still isn't. I am at peace with the call God has put in my life; the call that will take me many different places and to different jobs. I am not at peace right now with the decisions in this conversation, it was not in my plan. I know it sounds like I'm being selfish and not listening to God, I know.
I needed to hear what the conversation said, I thought that maybe if I did I would stop thinking about him all of the time, that maybe I could refocus my eyes and my heart to something greater. It's only been a couple of hours, hours of crying, talking, listening, and taking in small breaths.
It hurts and I don't really want to do this heart break thing again, I just want to sit in my room and sleep and stare at the wall and hope for something. Aimee won't let me do that. She has already made it clear.
I can't breathe.

brushing my teeth

I cry the most in the shower while I'm brushing my teeth. Lights off.
I brush and find myself thinking that if I could just brush away all the things he doesn't like it would make him like me better. Make him want to be with me.
I want to dye my hair back. I want long hair. I want whiter teeth. I want to be skinnier. All for him.
Why do I ALL OF SUDDEN-two months later- feel like this?

I don't want to go through this heartache again.

Books I want to read:

Jesus For President by Shane Claibornes
Under the Overpass by Mike Yankoski
The Bible: A Biography by Karen Armstrong
Gracism by David A. Anderson
90 Minutes in Heaven by Don Piper
Sex God by Rob Bell
A Lifetime of Secrets by Frank Warren
Jesus Freaks by DC Talk
Captivating John Eldredge and Stasi Eldredge
The Naked Christian by Craig Borlase
Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller
15 Minutes of Shame by Lisa Daily