Am I growing up?

I do most of my thinking in the bathroom, mostly in the shower. I thought the need to preface that for this posting. I took a shower at 2:30 am, thats early! But I really needed to decompress about what happened this evening.

My heart got a little squished by a particular person and it hurts a bit. Though in the instance that it got squished and even now after it didn't bring me to the point of tears or wanting to act out..other than eating pizza..and I couldn't figure out why. That is in the past what I've usually resorted to, a good cry and or somehow acting out to make it better..even though that doesn't. Though this time, I haven't been interested in it one bit.

As I was in the shower, I realized that I keep hiding my heart more and more in Christ. I had stopped fully reacting to situations because I have been instantly give them to God. Every once in a while when I do react and do in turn be sad or upset about that something that happened I feel bad for not instantly confiding in God.

Is this a sign of growing up?

Several things have happened in the past month.
I got an a job offer in Kansas
I got an offer to go to China for a year
I got a couple offers to move in with friends here in Portland and in Idaho
I let go and let God

Instantly when I found out about these things, I didn't react, I just gave them to God. Most of my friends and family don't even know. Ya know, maybe it is a sign of growing up. I still don't know where He is going to take me, but He is testing me and I am willing to jump for Him.

My heart does hurt and I'm not even sure how to react or feel, besides a bit hurt, but I know that my God will be here for me and that He is holding me and has His arms of comfort around me.

Blessings to all.

Community in Christ is the Revival

"...refresh my heart in Christ." - Philemon 1:20

He has. He has been working in my heart and revived me. I am so excited for today and tomorrow and living in Him.
Thank you brothers and sisters.

Going and seeing my community in Christ really helped. Fellowship helps. I love it. I love Christ.

Hello to finishing the race well.

"For I am already being poured out like a drink offering, and the time has come for my departure. I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith. Now there is in store for the crown of righteousness, which the Lord the righteous Judge, will award to me on that day - and not only to to me, but also to all who have longed for his appearing."
-2 Timothy 3:6-8

Let my lifesong sing to you

Life isn't always perfect. Disappointments occur. Things don't always go the way we want.

Maybe thats the point when you have to pray that your heart is where God's is. Seeking everything about Him.

I spoke with my good friend this evening on the telephone for a very long time about everything I've been struggling with and she allowed me to remember the small things that are good and what to pray for. I like that.
"I always thank my God as I remember you in my prayers, because I hear about your faith in the Lord Jesus and your love for all the saints. I pray that you may be active in sharing your faith, so that you will have a full understanding of every good thing we have in Christ. Your love has given me great job and encouragement, because you, brother, have refreshed the hearts of the saints. " - Philemon 1:4-7

As of late I don't feel challenged in life.

I kind of think I've been expecting too much out of my life in Portland. It's never going to be these other places I've fallen in love with and I keep forgetting that. Friends here won't know me in the same ways the ones do in Kansas or Nampa or Texas or Mexico or Tennessee...
They don't know the ways that God has transformed my heart and worked in my life and made me better in Him. I wish they did. But I like the changed me.

I wish some things were different, I wish that we all meshed like we used to and hadn't grown apart like they have, but I like the person God is transforming me into. I want to be the woman that God calls. I won't give that up for anything. Even if I'm lonely, I'm not I have Jesus.

I want to yearn and not let the worldly desires cast in my heart. I want community. I hope these are the things Christ desires for me, if not, He will cast them aside.
I'm realizing more and more that my life is God's will, everything in it (I'm still figuring out what that means). I'm always thankful.
I'm continually realizing that God's will isn't always practical and I just have to get used to it, because this is a life long commitment I've made.
"...refresh my heart in Christ." - Philemon 1:20

Love

It's surprising how your heart seems to grow bigger and bigger with each passing day.

I have the best friends, the best family, and the best God.

My heart grows bigger and bigger each day for these people and my God. I thirst for Him.
My heart breaks for them
laughs for them and with them
rejoices with them
loves them.

My heart is so full of love and thankfulness.

And I'm so incredibly homesick for Namps. I'm seeking direction and what God calls for me to do and trying not to confuse my wants in there too.

Prayers, anyone?

Little Mistakes

All it takes is one little mistake to create a big one. 

I have broken free of a pesky bad habit and for 6 months have been free. Though for some of us, all it takes is one party, sip, puff, tap, poke or even breath to break our strong hold. Why I wonder. I don't want those pesky bad habits to define myself. 

A month or so ago, I watched a Nooma video (Nooma is a devotional video series that Rob Bell had made - check it) about defining yourself and accepting yourself for who you are. 

For the longest time I have been avoiding looking at myself up close. I don't mean in the mirror but in my soul, my beliefs, my loves, what defines me. And actually answer for myself, Who am I?

I don't think I can avoid this question much longer.

I am...

A believer

One who will stand for Christ always

A brunette

tall

amazed by God everyday

thankful

caring

loving

sometimes crazy

sometimes scared of what the future holds

excited

striving to have my heart hidden in Christ

(i'm still working on it)

I am not...

Who the devil wants me to be

And as long as Christ has a hold of my soul I never will be. This will be forever. 

This blog is for me than anything else and God...

Stand tall

You can do it. I can do it. Don't be scared of what the world has or how it mocks. It mocked back in Jesus' day and it will until the judgement day.

Instead stand tall and say I can do it and I wont let you get to me, because I have Jesus, whether it be a test, a mocking family member, a best friend, a lover, a teacher, whoever. Be able to stand strong and say Jesus died for me and He calls me to something bigger than I could ever imagine for myself, He is my rock and you can't shake me.

Be strong and be the woman or man of God I know you can be.

All I know is that these are not my words, they are His - I felt compelled to write this.

I know its been a very long time since I've talked to some of you and only hours since I've talked to others of you, but I needed you all to know this. That you can stand strong in Christ and I pray always that you will be doing what God wants you to. And even be able to smile with Christ's love gleaming in your eyes and say to that mocking face, its not for you, its for Him. For Him be the glory.

Dear Guatemala Family,
I miss you very much each and everyday. You all linger in me in some way or another and the fun and wonderous experiences I shared with you. I really had one person in mind when I wrote this. But I really think that no matter where you are at in your walk of life you can remember that you can do it, that God will never stop loving you, even if you dye your hair green and get feather implants to look like a bird.
I love you all and just need you to know that you shouldn't wait, don't take time for granted and be thankful. I am so incredibly thankful that God placed each one of you in my lives.
Remember as cheesy as it sounds, you can do it. Don't let anyone get to you.

Love you all.

Can I just say I listened to Lose Yourself by Eminem before I wrote this. It's a pretty good song.

Be Thankful

Everyday I am so very thankful for this life my Lord has blessed me with.

Within the past year so much has happened. I've gone from having a serious boyfriend and going to NNU and so much more to being in Portland and feeling that every day I have a new challenge and I'm exactly where He wants me. Many heart breaking and wonderous things have occurred in the past year, from birth to death, from love to friendship mending. I have been blessed.

I wouldn't have been able to survive this past year if it hadn't been for my Heavenly Father and honestly getting down on my knees and praying and crying out for forgiveness and later crying out in joy.

God hasn't been my only support system. My parents and friends.

But everyday, no matter what my parents do, I can pretend that I'm mad at them like I tried to do with my mom today but I'm just so incrediably thankful that it doesn't last long. I can tell my dad that what he did was rude and only to apologize minutes later because it's not what my heart truly seeps. It seeps love and utter thankfulness.



I wake up everyday and thank the Lord for the life He has given me and pray that He will allow me to glorify Him in any and every way possible and be the woman of Christ He has called for me. I never feel like its enough, that I'm never worthy for this wonderful life He has blessed me with.



Everyday I tell my parents I love them. Because what if it was their last, I remind them how thankful I am of their presence in my life. And everyday I thank my Lord. I don't know what I'd do without them. They are my support system and my life.

I am so thankful.

Thank you Heavenly Father. Amen.

Candy corn and best month!

I sometimes think in terms of Facebook updates...this is when you know that Facebook is controlling you. I quit.

But...

Today I think I had the healthiest of all days:

Peanut Butter and Peach Jam sandwich

Half of Tuna for lunch

Almost an entire bag of candy corn during History...could have made me sick

Banana (like everyday)

Sparkling Juice

Sweet Salmon goodness

Hot Chocolate

Chicken pot pie

Peanut butter cookie

Oreos

Chocolate

AND NOW: 3 string cheeses...I think I might have bad dreams because of them..

Can I just say that two things have made this month wonderful. 

1. I got to see my missionaries from Guatemala, gift from God, I needed it.

2. New music. Love.

What else can top those?

Great history test grade? ha!

Living Sacrifices

"Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God - this is your spiritual act of worship. Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is -- His good, pleasing and perfect will.

For by the grace given I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the measure of faith God have given you. Just as each of us has one body with many members, and these members do not all have the same function, so in Christ we who are many form one body and each member belongs to all the others. We have different gifts, according to the grace given us. If a man's gift is prophesying let him use it in proportion to his faith If it is serving, let him serve; if it is teaching, let him teach; if it is encouraging, let him encourage; if it is contributing to the needs of others, let him give generously; if it is leadership, let him govern diligently; if it is showing mercy, let him do it cheerfully.

Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves. Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Share with God's people who are in need. Practice hospitality. 

Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position. Do not be conceited. 

Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: "It is mine to avenge; I will repay," says the Lord. On the contrary:

'If your enemy is hungry, feed him;

if he is thirsty, give him

something to drink.

In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.'

Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good. "

- Romans 12

This chapter in Romans has been present on my heart and different people keep giving it to me to read or there God places me in church services where it is brought up. I can't ignore it any longer. Ignore that it's for me. Poured out like a drink offering, this is my calling. 

I also have a few more verses to share. 

"So do not be ashamed to testify about our Lord, or ashamed of me his prisoner. But join with me in suffering for the gospel, by the power of God, who has saved us and called us to a holy life -- not because of anything we have done but because of His own purpose and grace....That is why I am suffering as I am. Yet I am not ashamed, because I know whom I have believed, and am convinced that He is able to guard what I have entrusted to Him for that day. "

- 2 Timothy 8-9 and 12

"If we are faithless, He will remain faithful, for He cannot disown Himself." 

- 2 Timothy 2:13

"Those who know your name will trust in your for you, Lord, have never forsaken those who seek you." 

-- Psalm 9:10

What are we waiting for?

What are we waiting for? Every day, hour, minute, and even second counts. Why waste our time on something we don’t enjoy? Are you really where God wants you to be? Or are you just going through the motions and doing what you think is right or what you’ve formed your call into, the convenient way.
Quite a bit has been going through my head lately. Every Friday night when Sam and I get out of The Way, I always unload never-ending thoughts that have been prancing around in my mind. Some that have not entirely formed themselves and others just bursting from the seams, everything from theology to if I am where I should be. That’s my biggest question as of lately, the question I can’t help but wonder.
Suppose I should jump back a bit. Before I left Central America, I found myself in this place that I wish was my home and doing things I was so uncomfortable with at times, but I loved. I thought that maybe I didn’t want to go back to school right away and maybe I wanted to do mission work, more like I felt it was right. Even though I was scared of what my parents would think, I knew if God wanted to happen He would make it possible. He has actually made a lot of things possible since I have returned home, made me different and new, still always always improving. Anyways, once I got home, everything changed. I found out I didn’t have the money to go back to school for the semester and my dreams of taking a semester off were splashed against the walls at my parents request to take classes at a community college and stay home. I wasn’t really worried about staying home, but it just didn’t feel right. I was scared to fall back into past temptations that Portland has held for me and I had my heart set on something so entirely different. For some reason, to my surprise, after begging and pleading that the Lord have another plan, He put me in what I thought to be the Lions Den: Portland. He has kept me safe, out of harms way – particular friendships that needed the care were cared for and ones that needed to be let go, were let go. He created a new life for me, out of my comfort zone, but new.
As new as I thought it was it still has had a zing of comfort ability to it, because I haven’t been giving the Lord my all, to be honest, because I’m terrified. I know that His plan is so much greater and bigger than I could have ever imagined for myself, I’m just scared. I know I’m always going to be inadequate, and that He will reign over all.
God is messing up my plan for my life, what I have made His call for me to be, and I’m scared. But what am I waiting for?

And then it takes a turn...

Then my cabin fever turns into wanting to make a difference and give someone a better tomorrow. All because of this email I got from my dad.

Before I share that I should tell you that my family has been looking for charitible organizations to donate money to this Christmas. As a family we aren't participating in the traditional Christmas, we're instead donating all the money we would have spent on one another to charities.
For instance, I worked with a ministry this summer called Gotitas de Amor (Droplets of Love), that deals with children that have grown up in a tough neighborhood, many of them had seen their parents or loved ones die from gang violence. This summer I had the wonderful opportunity to work with these children, I wish I could go back and do it again, right now! We also taught literacy workshops to the women in the community. Anyways, this is one of the ministries/charities my family will be donating to this Christmas.
I'm excited. I loved working with those kids, since I can't be there right now, this has to be the next best thing. I don't need a new camera or a pair of slippers. Lately I have been feeling terrible for spending any money at all.
For instance...(I know I'm going off...just go with it) last weekend, I bought a really neat pair of earrings from this really neat lady in Sisters, OR and I later felt terrible for it. Felt like I had to repent. I ended up giving the earrings to a friend as a birthday present but still, unless its food that the money is going towards (we have no kitchen right now) I have the hardest time.
It all might have a little bit to do with my summer...feeling like I bought all I ever needed to there. And this book I am reading...a lot to do with this book, The Irresistible Revolution by Shane Claiborne (check it out!).
Back to this email I got from my dad...its really neat. The organization helps with entrepreneurs, "helps you work with the poor". I don't have the words to describe it right now...hmm check it out: http://www.kiva.org/app.php?page=home
I get into these moods a lot of the time. I think they're the best moods to be in, it's my passionate mood. I want to help, I yearn for it.

Let me end on a little less of a scattered brain note. When I was at The Way (Solid Rock Fellowship Church) last night, John Mark said we are excepted therefore we do. God excepts us, He loves us, therefore we do everything with a passion and a yearning to do it. We don't have to earn His love through good deeds. He excepts us. He died on the cross for us. We are so very unworthy, yet He excepts and loves us! God is just so wonderful! :-)

Cabin fever

All of today I have had cabin fever...and I've even been out. Though, thats not what my post is about. This just makes me laugh and I felt it was blog worthy.

Can I get your number?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DW--7ZmXrXo

Divine paths

I am continually amazed by these divine paths God has chosen for each and everyone of us. I think of how sad God must get when we are like, “Umm…God what about this guy he is better at it? ” When all God wants is for us is to follow Him.

I was watching this Nooma (which is a devotional type video by Rob Bell, they’re a favorite) about how we may be very concerned about what other people think of us. I’m ready for it to tell me that I don’t need to be concerned with other people because they aren’t the ones that matter but it went deeper than that. Touching an area I really needed to hear.
This Nooma talked about owning who you are and your name. Rob Bell then proceeded to tell a story about Jacob. Jacob was wrestling with an angel (or a man), the scripture isn’t specific and when the angel saw that he could not overpower Jacob he touched the socket of Jacob’s hip so that his hip was wrenched as he wrestled with the angel. At that point the angel said, “Let me go, for it is daybreak.” And Jacob said, “I will not let you go unless you bless me.” Then the angel said, “What is your name?”
You see, in Biblical times, your name was your identity, it was rooted down to the very fiber of your being.
“Jacob”, said Jacob.

That took guts.

I want to own my name and not be ashamed of anything in my life. I think that also comes down to daily striving to live the life Christ has called me to as well. It doesn’t really come down to other people, it comes down to owning my name, my identity, the good and the bad. All with the help of God.

There is a fly...

There is a fly in my bedroom. You know how flies are attracted to the light? So, for the past couple of nights, the light has been my computer screen as I fall asleep to a movie. I've been so annoyed at this fly and trying not to be. I try not to be because over a month ago, I guarded my food from the flies that overwhelmingly swarmed it and I didn't care. I try not to be because after a while I didn't touch the flies that landed on my own body. I try not to be because I notice that I've let this culture effect me already.
That drives me crazy. I think I sit in my room more often now, because I'm fearful of the effects this culture will have on my being and my soul.
I miss the warmth of Central America, the people and the food (surprisingly), the lack of communication and lack of instant gratification, the miracles, the out of the comfort zone moments, the children yelling for worship, the old man who sings a song that God inspired him to sing every church service, the endless faith and love in everyone there - except the Christian haters that throw bottles of pee out a window at you.

I don't miss the smog.

Thats tough when thats the only thing I don't miss.

I find myself just hanging out with God, in my room, not coming out for hours or days, only to use the bathroom and get enough food. Not wanting to be effected by this culture and hoping that the warmth and loving care of Central America will have play a lasting role on my life.

Tonight I spent $6.00 on a slice of cheesecake...I hate that. Before I left I would have done that no questions asked, now I cringed when I walk into malls and think about how Forever 21 could feed Honduras.

I know that I will always be changed by this summer and the people I encountered and the water jars I left (see John 4 - story about a Samaritan woman), but I am sometimes so afraid that I will be poorly effected by this world and the people that inhabit it that sometimes I don't even leave the confines of my room. Thats been changing as of lately. I'm letting more people in, God is allowing me to.

And tonight this fly is bothering me less and less. I think I'll name it Lillian. Oh how I miss her.

Light film

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0DeoHoizadE&feature=related

check it

books

The Beautiful Mess: Practicing the Presence of the Kingdom of God by Rick McKinley
Searching for God Knows What by Donald Miller
The Ragamuffin Gospel by Brennan Manning
The Irristible Revolution by Shane Claiborne
Jesus for President: Politics for Ordinary Radicals by Shane Claiborne
Under the Overpass by Mike Yankoski
The Shack by William P. Young

Life is Song

I'm singing and dancing along now. God is pumping through my vains. I love this place, its like home.

Blog for the summer

This summer I am in Guatemala so I have made an alternate blog for the summer:

http://kparkexpeditions.blogspot.com/

Hope you're able to enjoy and get a glimpse of life here.

Love you!!

together forever?

85 relationships

16 engagements

12 marriages

people my age - not including the second person in the couple who I happen to be friends with as well.

what is the world coming to?


well i'm going to go out on a date :-)

peace

Impress

Tonight I said stupid things that don't represent the person I am to impress.
Really I'm embarrassed that I would do such a thing. Now I'm sitting here praying, hoping God will forgive me for feeling like I was being like Peter. I want to represent the Lord in everything I do. I don't want to impress. I'm sorry. Please forgive me Lord.

I post this without fear of judgement because:
1.) it is my blog
2.) above all - in hope that those that read this and care about me will pray about where i have struggled
3.) i love Jesus with all my heart and soul

Life is a Song

Well is this why you cling to every little thing
And pulverize and derange all your senses
Maybe life is a song but you're scared to sing along
Until the very ending

Oh, it's time to let go of everything we used to know
Ideas that strengthen who we've been
It's time to cut ties that won't ever free our minds
From the chains and shackles that they're in



Lately I feel like these lyrics apply to my relationship with Christ or maybe just how I'm suppose to live my life everyday

Let go of everything you know and just live, don't be afraid.

Lately I've been analyzing and worrying too much and I just need to let go and be free.

I am a new soul, each and everyday I change a little bit.

I don't want to be afraid to sing along.

I am now trying to sing as loud (even if terribly) as I can :-)

Song by Patrick Park listen to it, it's great

List to remember

Joel
Brandon
Anson
Andrew H
Andrew N
Steven
Jerwei
Matt
Jesse
Kristina
Cody
Jj

Selfish

I am be being selfish right now but a good friend told me that it was time to. All my counselors I've been to and professors and mentor's I've confided in have said that I need to take time for myself. I have problems doing this.
I'm really sick of estrogen levels. I've been hanging out with the same 3 people for basically the past week and they have been a great refresher and make me not miss the drama that is contained within this dorm. Unneeded. Uncalled for. Useless.
Yet, I sat there and cried about how stressed and frustrated I was once I got back to campus.

There is just going to be a lot more change going on in my life and it's not necessarily comfortable change and I have to be open to it. I haven't been. I haven't even been willingly to let myself be open to any sort of change that isn't convient for me.

I may be being selfish. I am just sick of expectations that aren't followed out of courtesy in return or unneeded drama and everything. I am on my last end and for some reason I'm having trouble with patience.

I'm sorry if this hurts anyone.

I just quit making an effort and I will again. I'll end up apologizing and kneeing on my knees.

I'm just brain dead right now.

Coincidences or Godwinks?

Last night, I was doing my devotions and when I opened up April 2nd the topic was death - one of my best friend's dad died yesterday.
For days and maybe the past week, I have written papers, read books and sermons, had multiple different classes taught about wealth and riches. Then I picked the unopened Nooma entitled Rich. I am talking to God and wondering what He wants me to get out of these similar relating things that are going on in my life.
I'm not making much sense yet...

Love and moving

What's better to live knowing that the one you love has stopped loving you? Or to know that he died and hopefully his love for you keeps living? I struggle with this question daily. My biggest struggle in my life right now is letting go of love. Learning how to let go. Let go of not being in control of what I think is God's plan for my life.
After watching several apon several movies regarding love (though what movies these days don't have even a hint of love in them?), crying histaricly (I've never been the crier during movies, not even Titantic!!) and wishing he would just realize what he has lost, and the whole situation would cease to exist.
I am tired of telling people about it. It's time for me to get up move on. Turn off the movies...but I do love this one...quit crying on my cousins couch and move on. Pick up my life and make something great and do what God desires. It's the only thing that's been holding me back for two and a half months.

I'm getting up, going, becoming something that God desires. Not being afraid.

Now I need the courage and strength, pray that I can do it. I need your prayers. I haven't cried in weeks and to myself typing this I sound sad and pathetic though you know it's great for realizations and definitely just a larger and more in depth reflection of my prayer request at communitas tonight.

Thank you for the great community. Thank you Lord for life.

Time to grasp it.

television

I think I know why I have a problem sitting around vegging and watching tv for very long. When I was younger and during high school when I would have panic attacks I would sit and veg (sp?) in front of the tv for hours upon hours. Sit mindlessly and let the minutes, hours and day(s) pass me by. Simply as that. Sit and be involved in someone else's problems, someone else's heartache, someone else's life; bottom line: not my own.
Now, after I can't stand to watch tv for too long. Unless, I'm sick or depressed. Even then, I have trouble not falling back on texting or calling to make plans.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not running from my problems. I don't know if that makes sense to connect to this, but I can see how one might catch that line of thinking. I am trying to run from what I associate with sitting and watching tv all day.
Funny that I don't associate it with pure laziness or social awkwardness, mainly panic attacks instead - in my own life that is.
I find that I can think and sort through stuff best when either showering or running. Strange how that works.
On that note, time to sleep and hopefully dream well.

No Sleep

I heard a good quote last night/this morning...while I was staying up because my sleeping schedule is off.
Your love life is what you make it.
I don't love my love life. I need to transform it.

Also, in class we were talking about Wesley and the poor, whats new...compassionate ministries, it's what I love and signed up for. Anyways Dr. Maddix today quoted a phrase that Wesley used heavily, "Join hands with god to help a poor man live."
I like that.
Time to not fall asleep in class.

Breathing

I had a conversation tonight that had to be had but afterwards I was in what seemed like a never ending shock. One of tears, heartache and a sense of being lost forever. It's as if after the conversation I forgot how to take breaths in and out, how to walk without shaking, how to speak without choking up, and how to live.
I've never been a planner but since I've been in college more of my personality has developed into the planning type-you have to in college. I plan according to God's will or at least I try. This was not in my plan. Not to marry the one I love, not to have children with him, not to grow old with him, was not in my plan- still isn't. I am at peace with the call God has put in my life; the call that will take me many different places and to different jobs. I am not at peace right now with the decisions in this conversation, it was not in my plan. I know it sounds like I'm being selfish and not listening to God, I know.
I needed to hear what the conversation said, I thought that maybe if I did I would stop thinking about him all of the time, that maybe I could refocus my eyes and my heart to something greater. It's only been a couple of hours, hours of crying, talking, listening, and taking in small breaths.
It hurts and I don't really want to do this heart break thing again, I just want to sit in my room and sleep and stare at the wall and hope for something. Aimee won't let me do that. She has already made it clear.
I can't breathe.

brushing my teeth

I cry the most in the shower while I'm brushing my teeth. Lights off.
I brush and find myself thinking that if I could just brush away all the things he doesn't like it would make him like me better. Make him want to be with me.
I want to dye my hair back. I want long hair. I want whiter teeth. I want to be skinnier. All for him.
Why do I ALL OF SUDDEN-two months later- feel like this?

I don't want to go through this heartache again.

Books I want to read:

Jesus For President by Shane Claibornes
Under the Overpass by Mike Yankoski
The Bible: A Biography by Karen Armstrong
Gracism by David A. Anderson
90 Minutes in Heaven by Don Piper
Sex God by Rob Bell
A Lifetime of Secrets by Frank Warren
Jesus Freaks by DC Talk
Captivating John Eldredge and Stasi Eldredge
The Naked Christian by Craig Borlase
Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller
15 Minutes of Shame by Lisa Daily

accountability

I tend to be other peoples accountability partners, but somehow over the years I have missed placed my own. I have had a chance to become closer to my sister and brother; asking my sister about her relationship with Christ as well as my mother and father. Though that Mr. or Mrs. Accountability (specific individuals) I had when I was in high school and years previous has some how grown away within time. With grow in several different directions, I may have lost touch but mostly just lost that special connection with that person.
I do rely on God for infinite amounts of almost everything. But aren’t you suppose to have an accountability partner in life? My dad has his small group of guys that meet for breakfast, my sister has her husband, my brother has his friends, my mom has her husband and her church group. My previous accountability partners almost all have their wife or husband to fulfill that gap if needed. This becomes one of the main reasons I miss my very best friend; I’m thankful for a messaging program, it’s the lifeline in our friendship.
I miss that person at church that used to always follow up and ask about my devotionals were going, the coffee date where you both could discuss with one another what was going on in your life and not hold back and read the Bible together. Though I really hope that that is alright with God that I don’t really have that right now….hope He wouldn’t be upset, I trust that He knows what He is doing right now in my life.

Friday night, alone

So I'm sitting alone on a Friday, doing homework. I even turned down plans because I was waiting for someone...wow wouldn't my father be proud that I'm doing homework on a Friday night.
I'm so lonely, its the first time that I don't want to act like it and just pretend that I'm not that I am. No one is here.
Quit being sick and play with me.

Starvation

I'm starvation for love, attention, laughter, non-violence, perfection, but most of all for Jesus

Love

It's hard seeing someone you love and care about so much fall apart. Someone that is very influential in your life hear about the possibility of suicide. Lets lift our hands and our hearts and give it to the Lord and trust that He has it all in his hands, or lets at least try.